Discovery: the action or process of discovering or being discovered.
"the discovery of the body"
| synonyms | Finding, location, uncovering, unearthing. |
I have found myself, in a new year, another new growth which is in all honesty a difficult season to express in words, as each time I plan to write my emotions out, I discover the inability to do this and retreat back to what has been a pretty constant in my journey, music.
I lost my Mom, my best friend, in the month of November, on the 15th day of 2017, putting that down in black and white again, seems very foriegn because I have in all honesty always had my mother in my life, daily, skip a few for illnesses, obligations, trips etc. But consistently and ongoing was my mother's presence. I grew up with my mom, and 6 months after I married my Husband, Chad in 2001, we began caregiving, not in full depth, but in soon developed into this as my mother had suffered a mental break down, many times In my journey I tried to understand how this happens, why, and the endless unknowns attached, but, we grew into it and did the best human capable guided care within us. The journey lasted a beautiful 15 1/2 years, and within 2 weeks of diagnosis my mother left this life into her eternal from pancreatic cancer, of which was a complete unknown and shock upon discovery. So discovery became an association to my new journey, but how I was to do this was multiple areas of fumbling and an extreme amount of loving grace, I was off guard, sideswiped, but, still fully faith filled and aware, wrapped in family daily needs, emotions, daily personal and wife, mother duties of love, all while sorting through what just happened. I honestly discovered within myself, God had took again into his beauty and astounding Love for me direction, mind you that is all I attribute the many days to, the Lord and His direction for me. I leaned into in the first of many years my husband, I am one to" console, fix, encourage", but, it was reversed and I was the one in need, this, this is where I discovered a part of me, not an especially hidden part, but, a part that unknown to me I kept, I soothed, I comforted, I said get up, get going, motivational speaker of my own being, but she was for the first time in so many moons I can't recall last, distraught, confused, aware, tangled up, but, screaming aloud all at once, but only my being and God could hear her mumblings, It was now that I revisit "in fog" fog from discovering the depths of self, in loss, in love, in emotions, in Faith, in funtionality, in me, while {autonomously} Functional. I had several bouts with crying, (happy, joy,greif, gratitude) as well as lapses in my "usual" self, the keep it together me, I had to discover another area, journey, no longer as a daughter, caregiver, friend, contender in rights or wrongs, I was me, like most discover after so far into adulthood, post marriage,childbirth,motherhood, family life, A section was removed, and then re-introduced with loss of my mother, to gain myself, strangely, The discovery has been uncomfortable,unknown, but all the same welcomed, I am picking my pieces up that I know were scattered in the season of discovery, each part, claimed, placed and held, but in the midst of it all God, God lovingly directed my "fog" by placement of individuals during, within,after and ongoing in mending myself from the part of me, my mom, that faded into a new me, I know I carry My Mom within my heart, I have been given another benefit to savoring life, taking it all in and giving thanks. I am not sure what discoveries I may find myself on, but, knowing that the Lord is faithful in all our times, that is the discovery again of His Love, Mercy, Amazing Grace, that I look upon in the hearts of the ones He gave me for such a season as this in my personal life, my career life, my opportunity to grow,share and encourage someone else, loss in all forms hurts deeply, it produces within a need for support and one to willingly accept it, embrace it and discover how much we are Loved, in so many forms, in many hearts, if you or someone you love finds themselves at a place of discovery, in the many forms, take heart, All you or the loved will ever need is completely and in full entirety provided, miraculously and beautifully blessed by the ONE and ONLY, I AM, Who Holds it all, us all in His Amazing Hands.
Dedicated: Music= Comfort
Mom
Mom
Chad { encouraged me to find }
Your amazing song I carry
Nigel {Together}
